Connections – My best buddy just left :(

It’s March and my child’s best friend just moved!

What does a good friend mean to your child?

This was the panic call I received yesterday. It is a very valid concern for many parents, even more so in International Schools where the population is so transit.

As an international counsellor, I have had many of our parents insist that their child be with their best friend in the next school year. Due to the movement in International Schools this means at some point in the near future, this child will seem friendless and so sad when their ‘best friend moves on.

Each and every child needs to feel connected and involved with other children. This is often through a common interest, gymnastics, after school activities, sleep overs and etc. This does not mean that during the school day that they need to be only connected to their best friend.

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Home is Where Ever There is Love

What I love about life…..
Without my family and extended family my life would be small, perhaps even shallow. But having Kevin, Jackie and Grant as my foundation, I am able to move around the world adding to that foundation – friends who support me, comfort me, expand me and enrich my life.

My favorite song for a long time has been Seasons of Love, from the Original Motion Picture Soundtrack “Rent”. As you know I often measure my life in cups of coffee. Being an educator, I have always measured life in a year at a time.
Let’s celebrate and remember – measure your life in love!

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Global Shipping: The Art of Letting Go with Treasure or Junk

Am I the only one that gets stressed with change?

As we fill up another twenty- foot container leaving Bangkok to go to our new home in Borneo my husband and I donâ€™t see eye to eye. If you have not moved a lot this 20 foot container is an “inexact unit of cargo capacity – often in a metal box” that can easily be transferred between different modes of transportation. If our stuff would be going from Borneo to our home in Lake Tahoe, this container would work in the ship, the train and the truck.

I know all of my global friends will relate to this part of the move…your spouse picks up an item and casually says â€œThis is trash.â€ He doesnâ€™t even look to see if you agree. He misses the panic in your eyes and the catch of your breath. This happened to us over a box of â€œLego piecesâ€.

Simens_ Lego Land – Creative Moments and a Lifetime of Memories

I see them as treasured memories of a lifetime of fun. He sees them as things we have â€œoutgrownâ€.

I am always open to change and willing to learn and even willing to let go. But Lego pieces? Come On!

What happens if our child becomes one of a handful of artists in the world who have been certified by Lego to create contemporary sculpture with its bricks?

I am amazed at Sean Kenneyâ€™s design shop. He works in Queens in a bright study with about 2 million Lego pieces. Sean quit his Park Avenue six-figure salary as a software designer to take up a new career. He calls his current career â€œa professional kidâ€. He is indeed an artist.

One thing Sean and I have in common is the concern of â€œshippingâ€ our items. He is often worried that his sculpture might not make the international shipping well and the prospect of breakage can cause him anxiety. I always worry about items breaking in our moves. But I worry on two points. I worry that my stuff will not survive the shipment and I WORRY that at some time all my stuff will show up at the same time in the same location. I have been doing this for so many years, so many shipments with items going back into storage…if they all showed up at one time this would be a nightmare.

Back to Sean, he made a life-size polar bear for the Philadelphia Zoo; it has 95,000 bricks in it. Imagine that!

I think of it as I move our box of legos with 5,000 pieces in it.

Sean has also worked with Google, Marriott Hotels, JPMorgan Chase and the New York Yankees as well as private collections. In my mind he is an artist.

Perhaps my son or daughter are â€œartistsâ€ that just have not yet found their medium. Or someday I might have a grandchild that is a budding Lego Artist!

Notes:

ps_ the Legos went into our shipment.

ps_I am about to cause a cultural miss – step.

I just got the call that said ” Raja made his flight to Jakarta.” I said, “Well I am glad, I was concerned that he might be doing duty free shopping running up my visa bill or hanging out at the bar prior to boarding and he might have missed his flight.” All I got was a quiet silence moment before ‘thank you’ and the dial tone. Was this not funny? Perhaps I am much more funny to myself when I am stressed with moving than I am actually funny! But I thought…I paid you…you took my dog, I would expect him to be on the flight as we had planned. If he didn’t make the flight…what did you do wrong?

photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/zoemaclean/3847512028/

Momma brought me up to think I could do anything

Well she was wrong!

As I grow older and I become more aware of all the things people do in the world, I have to admit my mother was wrong. There are a number of things I could never do. I am OK with this. But I do wonder if we are not being honest with our own children.

As I watched the London Paralympics it became clear I would have never been able to do a job like Josh Karanja or James Boit . Josh and James are guides for the visually impaired 1,500 meter run. James helped runner Samwel Kimani of Kenya win the gold in a world-record time of 3:35:37. Josh helped the runner Jason Dunkerley win bronze for running the 1,500-metre race in a time of 4 minutes 7.56 seconds.

When a parent says “Honey, you can do anything you set your mind to” they need to add “With enough perseverance you could master the skills you need to be successful.” Are we being to easy on this generation? As a parent, do you let your child quit when things get a little hard?

Think about homework – Do you step in and help your child?

Are you teaching helplessness or perseverance?

Here is another great photo added to the simens project – Building emotional awareness around the world

Everyone’s Blind Spot

There are no blinds spots if you look in the right direction.

But for many people we do have a blind spot . It is our children. This is true for many parents and often very true for expat parents.

Here is a wonderful way to make sure you have an accurate view on your own children. I always tell parents to start with themselves.How well do you know your own abilities or performance?

Colin Weatherby in Psycolology Today said, “Our powers of predictions are 30 per cent more accurate when guessing the future work performance of others than our own.” Why? We base predictions about peers on hard evidence but brush aside our own previous failures as aberrations – even when someone else would clearly spot a pattern.

This holds even more true for our own children. Often we are able to get a reality check at family gatherings or by asking a sibling to be honest on how they see your children’s interactions and performances. This safety net is gone when you are an expat family. You often don’t have the ability to build relationships that are long enough that another person will feel comfortable being honest with you.

This is where your child’s teacher is a very valuable resource.

Asking an outside party for input can help us keep the rosy view of our child’s own abilities in check. I am not asking you to get a ranking of your child’s academic standing but the more critical things in his/her life. Ask his teacher, “Does my child help others?” ”Is my child someone other kids seek out for help or support during the day?”

You might want to ask about empathy, perseverance and thoughtfulness.

Notes: Photo http://www.fotopedia.com/items/flickr-183925

Ahhh…Survived the First Few Weeks of School

Making friends is not easy for some kids that move around the world. Let’s look at things from their point of view… Barely a week after flying halfway around the world, from home to this “new” location, the child knows just three people in his new country – his mom, his dad and his sister – and then throw in the fact he only speaks a little of the local language. Survival is a sign of resiliency.

This summer I was aware of some facts about resiliency in the expats in Canada. Kate Hammer, educational reporter stated, “Nearly five million elementary and secondary students who start school this year, one of 500,000 who are foreign-born, and one of thousands who will be in a Canadian classroom for the first time outperform their native-born peers.” I feel this is because expat children learn to be resilient. Despite the challenges they face – cultural, linguistic and emotionally- they survive.

Canada is lucky to have such talented children. Stats from the United States and the United Kingdom do not show that immigrants into these countries outscore their native peers. According to Statistics Canada, about 10% of Canadian students were born elsewhere. In major areas like Toronto, that proportion grows to as high as 25 per cent (including university).

If your child is having trouble in their new location try this tip:

Remind them on the successes they have had in the past. Focus on their strengths.

“Remember how much you loved the basketball games and you always had friends who also love them.” ”Last year, you loved science maybe you will find someone here that loves science.” Often parents say these words “Don’t worry – you will make friends.” This does not help the child because it is not based in fact of what he knows. In order to instill confidence in a child they need to be able to remember their past success and how they managed to thrive. Telling a child to “not worry” or to “give it time” – is not helpful. Give them concrete examples of their past success.

Many expat children learn to be resilient. What challenges did your child face – cultural, linguistic and emotionally- as they moved around the world?

A Walk Down History Lane: Your Childhood Games

We all have our favorite games from childhood, which we enjoyed for hours with friends and family. Those games offered unique combinations of strategy, entertainment and originality. And, as a result, many have remained around for decades.

I grew up on Monopoly.

Monopoly is an American board game published by Parker Brothers. Hasbro even conducts a worldwide Monopoly tournament. The first Monopoly World Championships took place in Grossinger’s Resort in New York, in November 1973. It has been aired in the United States by ESPN.

The Wright Family ( my maiden name) each summer conducted a worldwide Monopoly tournament. We all got together in the upstairs bedroom and started to play a long marathon of Monopoly playing. I was often the youngest member playing the the game. I often lost! My bothers, sisters and cousins were much better with banking and investments than I was.

Being an expat, I am pleased to see Monopoly is a world-wide game. The current world champions have come from the following countries: United States, Ireland, Singapore, Italy, New Zealand, United Kingdom, Netherland, Hong Kong, Japan, Spain and Norway. This means children must play Monopoly around the world

The memories I have about Monopoly in Russell Springs Kansas on a hot summer night are special. We did not always do as the game rules suggested.

For example:

Setup time 5â€“10 minutes

This would take my older brothers and sisters the average time but for me the youngest. I swear they were always telling me to hurry up!

Playing time 60â€“240 minutes (1â€“4 hours) [average] But…But…we had games that went late into the night and everyone took their money to bed with them and we resumed play the following morning. I guess we trusted our hotels and playing pieces to remain where they needed to be but cash, well cash is cash!

Skill(s) required Negotiation, Resource management – Huh? I thought it was the skill of sticking to a task and not giving up. Perseverance!

Yet toy makers just can’t seem to help themselves when it comes to updating the classics. They insist on adding electronic features that take away all the joy (and education) from playing the game.

Does Monopoly really need credit cards and an electronic bank?

Is a Magic 8 Ball more fun if the answers are shouted out by a TV character? What about a dice game that doesn’t have dice? My list of good toys being turned into non-thinking actions can go on and on. Stop the madness – buy the classic games and toys and let your child learn. The most important thing to remember is that kids need to play board games to learn to take turns, negotiation skills and being honest. Are your kids experts in these areas?

Notes: Yes, I was considered Ms. Wright for almost 30 years~

Last Minute Plea: Let your child express himself when it is not life changing

I work a lot with parents and sometimes they show up in my office very upset.

It is the weekend BEFORE school starts again and their child has shown up with a tattoo.

We go through a long list of behaviors that the parents have had towards their child and ‘choices’. It is a very interesting but hard time for the parents. Seems they have never given their child any time to make choices and learn to live with the choices he has made. It has made me sad for both the child and the parent.

Simple things – like backpacks…can be a family empowering moment. Now that school starts this week, I hope parents around the world are giving their child some room to make choices.

Here is an example of giving your child the ability to make a choice and then live with it without any support from Mom or Dad.

Fictional story – We are going to go backpack school shopping to get ready for school which starts Monday. I see the perfect bag for my daughter.

My lovely little girls’ bag – In my dreams

My daughter has a different dream. We can sit and argue or I can let her make the choice and live with the decision. Hum, what is a parent to do?

One parent might discuss the merit of getting this bag…

Rib Cage

I can hear the parent now. “Look how cute this one will be. Other kids will think your are cool. See how the heart is almost hidden but it makes you look like a doctor or someone interested in the human body.” Remember the more you talk as a parent the more you are trying to justify why your child should make ‘your choice’ into ‘their own’ choice.

I can also hear the parent who wants to live through their child with their own wishes. “Remember how we always celebrate Kansas Day? Look at this bag, it is like the lion in the Wizard of Oz. It would be perfect!”

Lion

This backpack shopping can become a battle between the child and the parent. Why?

If you child is a little princess always pretty in pink but she wants the Boogey Man Bag. Let her make her choice and then live with it. She will either love all the attention she gets with a bag so different from her other princess peers or she will fold and want a new bag. It is nice lesson to learn early on in life that our choices are something we have to live with. I would rather have a child make a backpack choice and thrive and grow instead of a more permanent choice of a tattoo, wouldn’t you?

In order to have a few seconds of oops and ugg – check out the ugliest tattoos and the gallery of regrets. Or check out the Mojo Backpacks - No Ordinary Bookbag.

Notes: This is not a paid ad. I just want parents to allow their child to grow.

Be Happy -’Nuff Said

Just a few things to remember to do:

The illustrations and the captions are from the book “be happy – A little book to help you live a happy life.” by Monica Sheehan, dedicated to Andrew Kroon (http://www.amazon.com/Be-Happy-Little-Book-Help/dp/0762429623); booklet that everyone should read at least once in their life. The music is “Cuore di Sabbia” (Sand Heart) by Pasquale Catalano, from the soundtrack of the movie “Mine Vaganti” (Loose Cannons) directed by Ferzan Ozpetek … possibly the best movie he ever made…

Happy - “Emotional Resilience and the Expat Child”

Unquestionably Resilient: How emotion works during worry or bereavement

This past week has been a hard one for me. A close friend with cancer but stage one so that is great news and a family I have worked close with lost their father due to a short illness. When I look up from my computer and flash a fake smile to my family…I think I should be more honest.

The focus on facial expression is critical, because the face does not lie.

When a person flashes a genuine smile, certain eye muscles come into play (a phenomenon identified by Guillaume Duchenne).

I wrote a thank you note to Steve Harrison after attending one of his workshops this summer and I had to comment on his genuine smile. When he smiles, it is a true connection back to you.

I seldom encourage people to read about death but the book, “The Other Side of Sadness” by Bonanno is worth reading.

Bonanno said:

“I had been acting out a kind of duet with my father under bright lights in the center of the stage. The rest of the theater was dark. I could not see the faces in the audience. When my father died, it was if the house lights had come on. To my surprise, I found that the theater was empty. Not only was I the only one left on the stage, but I was the only person in the entire theater. I had been acting out a play by myself. I could have stopped at any point, but I hadn’t known it.”

What hooked me about this book was how Bonanno studies facial expressions. He works with people who have prolong grief. In interviews conducted at 2 months,14 months and 25 months after the loss of a spouse, participants report on their own well being. Using the computer, they view pictures with emotional content depicting positive and negative events.

Does context sensitivity – being able to respond to different kinds of emotional prompts with appropriate facial expressions- really predict a better recovery from loss? I think so.

Culture may be the most profound mediator of grief. I wonder about the ritualized forms of mourning that exist in many non-Western nations, they seem to have a transformative power. I loved seeing the burning of paper offerings in Asia. When you visit the temples in Singapore, Thailand and Bali the faces of the people praying are so peaceful.

Do you and your child understand ‘face value’?

Can you pick out a fake, polite smile?

Do you know an anger smile?

Or even a false angry smile?

Can you determine disgust?

Do you know a genuine “Duchenne ” smile?

Please take time to show these photos to your child and see if he or she understands the differences in why people look the way they do. What are they expressing?

Better yet, have your child “act” out their emotions and take pictures of themselves so they can read their own feelings and understand how they look to others.

In the book “Emotional Resilience and the Expat Child” all of the emotion faces were acted out by five year olds. Their peers took their pictures and each child tried to show most of the 18 basic core emotions. They all felt that some were very easy to do and some very hard. Using digital cameras the five year olds were pros!

I am starting on another project and am looking for ‘precious facial expressions” of children ages 0-12 years old. If you are interested in having your child’s emotion displayed in the “Jsimens Project” please send the jpeg to me. I would love to feature your child or grandchild. (julia.simens@gmail.com)

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Tag Archives: Early Childhood