What can you do when you brain doesn’t match your hand?
A perfect five-year-olds holiday – I hope their parent’s vacation plans matched up to their child’s expectation. (note child’s spelling as written)
playing at the beach
going to Maine
swimming in the pool
going to McDonalds
going to Singapores
going on an airplane
going to Bali
going to hawwloeen
going to holland and the snow
going shipping to put food in the hotel refrigerator
going home ot see my family
playing in the sand
I found a random sheet of these words in a file while looking for a “tax” sheet of paper. It took me right back to my teaching job in Indonesia many years ago. I wish I had put each child’s name on their statement to help with my memory. I do recall asking them ‘What are you looking forward to doing this vacation?”
Now is the perfect time to capture your child’s memory of their recent holiday. I’d ask them three simple questions:
If we were able to “re-do” one thing again in the vacation, what would you like to experience again?
Since food, smells or sights help us remember the memories, what item do you remember the most about our past vacation?
What emotion would you put on that memory?
I am always sad when I go into a classroom and see – “My favorite…” or “The best part of my vacation was…”
I think adults often want the kids to be happy and express emotions that they find enjoyable. So putting the label as ‘best or favorite’ only allows the child to feel it is possible to be ‘good’ or have ‘happy’ thoughts. What happens if this past vacation wasn’t that way. What happens if some other emotion is how the child feels about the events?
Remember to be a whole person we need to experience the highs and lows and learn how to deal with them at a young age.
Moving somewhere new is never easy, and for a child it can be downright daunting. Starting a new school and having to make new friends is a big task. You can help greatly with this process by instilling a sense of confidence and self-worth into your child even before you make the big move.
Why don’t you use some of your free time this summer working on this!
Babies are very resilient and it is never too late to start building up your child’s self-image. Getting to know your child and seeing things from his/her point of view will help him or her learn to trust in themselves. Having close connectionshelp us feel like we matter.
There are psychological challenges involved in all moves. One key psychological issue in all expat or people who move around is the need to belong or have loyalty to their tribe. After we cover Maslow’s hierarchy of food, water, shelter, safety and security – after all our basic needs are met we need to belong. We need to connect. We need to belong to a family, a community, a unit, a race of people, a tribe, a great school, a good job or something. If we feel connected, we are happy and fulfilled.
There are also lots of tipsto help parents understand this part of their child’s life. As an expert on Family Transitions, I have seen thousands of families move around the world. I have also been doing this global nomad style with my own two kids for a long time. Try these suggestions on ways to cope with any transition:
1. Take an honest look at yourself. What are your strengths, weaknesses, skills? How did those influence “positively or negatively” your transition? What is each child’s strengths? How can they use these strengths to make the new situation better?
2. Step up your self-care. Major changes are physically and emotionally taxing. You need self-care now more than ever. Children need more sleep and good food. Forget the junk food and the late nights, try to get into a routine as close as their old routine so they feel comfortable.
3. Focus on what you want, and less on what you don’t want. Keep your eye on the prize. This is every important because it helps form the words out of our mouths. If you keep talking about what you don’t want your children will just focus on that. (Remember your kids only hear about half of what you actually say so why are you saying negative things?) Focus on what you want.
4. Work on your thoughts. Calm your fears and reinforce your sense of hope and happiness. Be honest about your feelings and fears because children hate it when their parents lie to them. So be honest but focus on the reason you choose this type of lifestyle..
5. Create your own rite of passage. Ceremony and ritual help with all transitions. The more family rituals you have the stronger your family bonds will be and the stronger your children will be with coping skills that will help them lifelong.
We really do need to put family firstin any move. I often think as parents we need to rethink things as our children get older, but we also need to revisit things. Many of the things that work and were good parent advice for your toddler works well for your child as he or she heads off to college. You want them to trust in themselves.
As with most parenting concerns, if we start with ourselves we can help our children better. Try to improve your own self-confidence. In caring for your child, you can often heal yourself. Look closely at your own life.
Notes: Some family therapists ask clients to do this activity. It is called “passing on the best, and discarding the rest”
List the specific things your parents did to build your self-image.
List the specific things your parents did to weaken your self-image.
Now resolve to emulate the good things your parents did and avoid the rest.
If you find it difficult to follow through with this exercise on your own, get help from a professional. Both you and your child will benefit.
I wish you the best – where ever this summer finds you on your path to a new adventure.
The streets of Singapore can be entertaining for an expat in Asia sooner or later you run into someone you know. The initial “you look familiar stare” turns into the “Oh, where did I meet him”, to finally recognition, “Carl?” It is hard to place someone from your past into a new situation quickly.
Then you have the quick 2-minute talk on the street about where are you living now? How is your family? What are your upcoming plans? Goodbyes and tell your family hello chat. Amazing how quickly you can get into a reconnection if you are both used to doing them.
Singapore is a hub
Singapore 1989 – Has it changed?
Singapore has been a base for us since our first international assignment as a family. It is amazing 28 years later we still do to the same dentist and doctors establishment we used back there. Often when you go to other assignments in this area, you will fly in and out of Singapore to do medical treatments. I am going to miss Singapore.
We lived in Singapore before we had children and we were a two income family. We thought is was an expensive assignment but we loved it. We had everything we needed to have fun there.
A pile of cash
and a club membership
Expats and Dogs make a good combination
We even brought my dog Manaia. He was a black lab. I got Manaia when I returned back to the USA after teaching on the island of Samoa.
Expats and Dogs Make a Good Combination
Each village in Samoa is autonomous and led by a council of matai referred to as the ‘village fono.’ The daughter of a high chief in a village is known as a “taupou” or “sa’o’aualuma” when they perform public ceremonial roles; the male equivalent is known as the “manaia”, or “sa’o’aumaga.” I called my dog Manaia because he was a “Prince” to me.
Singapore was a fun time for us. Vacations to all areas around Asia and tons of visitors. It was the first time I learned how to shop during a three week summer holiday to get all that I would need for a whole year. Singapore is a shopping treat for many, but some things were hard to find for my size.
We had family and friends all eager to visit us since Singapore is such a step off point to go to other Asia locations.
Great Friends, Great Locations – Great Memories
Are your global nomads going to be hidden immigrants?
Asia has become a very important part of our family’s background. Our kids might be more drawn to these cultures than they are to the American cultures they never lived in. I believe their identity, their likes and disliked, their beliefs about who they are, are firmly built on their global experiences. When they finally went back to the USA for college they fell into the group called hidden immigrants.They looked like Americans but didn’t know much about being American.
Chopsticks Attempt #1
My children were exposed to Asia food when they were very young in our own home and where we went out to eat. I believe Jackie had mastered chopsticks by the time she was three years old. Sushi is still one of her favorite meals to eat. One visit to Kansas, my mother, asked what we wanted for dinner. “Lobster and rice”, said Grant. This was our common experience when we’d hit a beach BBQ in Asia. He over heard that grandma might BBQ tonight. So when asked, he went for his ‘go to’ favorite meal. It did not happen in Northwest Kansas that night.
Being a Farmer means something very different to my son than it does to me
I grew up in that area of Kansas and did not move until I was 18 years old. My version of being a farmer meant growing wheat or sorghum and corn for grain. It meant being involved in growing hay for the cattle. Grant growing up in Asia had a different viewpoint of what it means to be a farmer.
Grant loved harvesting the fruit we had around our Asian homes. He would get bananas, rambutans, papayas and coconuts out of our yards. He would rattle off the facts about these crops. “Botanically, the coconut fruit is a drupe, not a true nut. It has three layers, the exocarp, mesocarp and the endocarp. (sound familiar). The exocarp and mesocarp make up the “husk” of the coconut. Often coconuts sold in the USA have had the exocarp (outermost layer) removed. The mesocarp is composed of the fiber or hush. Remember it is not a true nut.”
So when you say “farmer”, it does not mean the same thing in our household.
A coconut can float extremely long distances across oceans. I am sure the 2000 American film ‘Cast Away’ seems different to someone who has played a lot with coconuts on beaches than to someone who has not.
Play it forward
I hope when global nomads head out across the world they attack each assignment as one that they might revisit again and again so they make the most out of the situation. Imagine what things would be like if you assumed you might be building connections that would last over 28 years vs. thinking this is a one-off assignment. If I had know that Singapore would have been in my life off and on for this long of time, I would have added a 6th “C” on my Singapore list.
The Singapore sling has been documented as early as 1930 as a recipe in the Savoy Cocktail Book; Ingredients ¼ lemon juice, ¼ Dry Gin, ½ Cherry Brandy: “Shake well and strain into medium size glass, and fill with soda water. Add 1 lump of ice”.
I was recently asked if I still saw the BRIC countries as my key focus group.
I am honest enough to say “What?” and hope the conversation gets back to one I can understand. I am talking to a global relocation agent. He went on to explain that the BRIC countries (Brazil, Russia,India and China) were among the top emerging destinations for international assignments. China is often a top emerging country, but there were concerns about their slowing economy. Brazil’s vast natural resources and its strategic location cause many international assignments. India is known for its large strong workforce. Russia seems to be on a decline now due to continued difficulty in making significant inroads or long term investments.
China, Brazil and India are often seen as the countries with the most challenges for international assignees. Brazil is known for it’s overwhelmingly immigration complexities and timing as posing challenges.
China and India cultural and family adaptation and quality of life issues were more predominant.
The USA also shows up on this list of challenging locations.
difficulty in obtaining transportation without a credit record
BRIC countries assignment failure
BRIC countries top four of the five locations for assignment failure. China seems to be the highest, then India in second place for failures of assignments. Russia and the United States tied in third and fourth place, followed by Russia in fifth place. The two top reasons for failure were:
Inability to adapt to the culture, family and spouse/partner issues
Quality of life concerns
I can honestly say this was a very long coffee break and for once I did very little talking until he got to the ‘failure’ of the families.
Successes of Families
I was able to counter balance his failures with story after story of successful family transitions. I shared with him about a friend I knew that went from England to Nigeria, Malaysia, Singapore, and Australia,. Also, Papua New Guinea, Netherlands, Trinidad, Tobago, Thailand, USA, Equatorial Guinea were on her “home” list. These locations not in a straight line but much like when I am going around the fruit market looking at all the options in a Bangkok wet market. She often ended back in ‘repeat locations’.
I shared with him the family that had started out as a newly married couple leaving the USA. They went to UK, Australia, and China where they added three children. Then they went back to the USA. They found themselves in Nigeria with two children going to high school there and one off in boarding school in London. Then off to Viet Nam they went and the kids headed off to university. A short hop to Indonesia and then they found themselves with an elder parent that moved into their family as they relocated to Bangkok. They went from 2 people, to three in their family, to four, to five, to four, to two, to three. A very fluid rotation of family members.
I shared with him a family that had one child and adopted a child abroad. Then the family split but they remained in the same location abroad so the children had two households. Both parents remarried so now the kids had four parents. This family went for two to three to four to six people!
What causes a family to flourish abroad
If you are raising a global nomad the need for communication is even more important for success. Global families need to have both instrumental and affective communication. Instrumental communication is the exchange of factual information. “I will pick you up at 2:00 in front of the library.” Affective communication deals with how you share your emotions.
Often global families travel around in a small cocoon there they rely heavily on each other. If these global families have indirect or vague communication this contributes to a lack of intimacy and emotional bonding between the family members. This leads to the feeling of isolation while abroad.
As we finished up our cup of coffee, I realized that families abroad will only be as successful as the people in the family want to be successful. A family can fail when they don’t move around or they can flourish in move after move.
Here is a short video of some of the things I have been able to do while trailing around the world.
Practical or Foolish, how are the stops in your home from the neighborhood kids? Do you seldom see your own children?
Often as parents we only remember the negative situations with our children’s neighborhood friends. Parents need to have the real facts and data so they can back up their needs with what has been happening.
Keeping track of time is important
Summer time breeds neighborhood kids and your front door banging open and shut. Summer time generates a lot of children in your livingroom or backyard. Summer time can foster close family time.
I encourage parents to keep a small notebook with playtime interactions that include the date and the length of time the kids played together in their own home as well as how often they were next door at their peers home. Knowing that your child was also at their home eight times this week makes it not seem so bad when their child shows up the ninth time this week. It is also important to realize if this was a ‘normal’ week of interactions or if it was out of the norm.
Stop bad habits before it is too late
It is much easier to stop the overuse of your home when you first noticing it happen than trying to correct a situation after it has become more of a habit. Make sure you know what is happening at the start of your summer so you are able to modify the play dates prior to it becoming a long hot July and even longer, hotter August.
As an international school counselor I often have parents find their family living on compounds or camps so this closeness and setting a play boundary is a huge concern for many families. Some families find that their own living room is overrun with kids as soon as the school day is over. It often helps to have the rule that all kids must “go home” first before they can come back to play. This allows all those important school papers to get to their own home instead of being left at your house. It also allows the child to possibly eat an afterschool snack at their own home creating less of a mess in your own home. I think the biggest benefit is it allows you to check in with our own children to see what their day was like and if they have any major things that need to be taken care of before play starts.
Home first then play
This is also wise during summer hours. If your child goes off to a dance class, always make them come into your own home first before going next door to play. This allows her to put up her dance shoes and dance bag. She can grab a snack and get ready for a play date next door. If your child leaves from the car directly, those special dance shoes might remain at the neighbors and will not be easy to find before the next dance class.
Rules and Meltdowns
I encourage parents to be honest with their own children first before they approach the neighborhood kids or parents. Parents should avoid having their own child meltdown when they are addressing the problem of too much time together or limiting the use of playtime at their own home.
Once you make the rules public, you need to keep to your own rules. Families deserve to have special time as a family unit. This is one benefit of the longer summer hours and the kids out of school. Don’t let your home become a place where you can’t take advantage of this family time.
“My Man Blue” (grimes 2002) death of a father and how a child learns to accept a new friends of his mother.
“Mama does the Mambo” (Leiner 2001) Death of a dad but Mom and daughter still have a passion for music and dance.
“Papa’s Latkes” (Edwards 2004) death of a mom then dad and girls build new traditions.
When I think about all the little global nomads we have running around the world – I think that Sagan’s words resonate more than ever, and will continue with each generation until the human species “wakes up”.
Many of my friends are International school teachers and they celebrate 100 days of school. I have put two things I hold dear to my heart, kids and emotions. Here are my favorite 100 emotions that we can learn!
If you are a parent raising your child abroad, it is important that you know about “Transition Education”
The first researchers we had on this subject were Unseem and Langford. They said we need to provide children with the knowledge and skills to successfully manage transitions while affirming and celebrating their unique experiences and backgrounds.
Most children are affected by transition in some way during their lives.
If they do not move, it is likely that at some point a friends, relative, or classmate will move. The children left behind will also experience adjustments.
History of Transition Education
Useem said in 1976 – She found children growing up outside their home country shared unique characteristics. She was concerned that few educators were aware of this.
Mary Langford in 1998 shared the same concern and conducted research among international schools. She asked – “What is it that educators understand about global nomads and what are international schools doing to accommodate their needs?”
This was the first study on the field of transistion. – Educators thought international schools have a role in meeting the needs of these children. It logically follows that schools everywhere have a responsibility to meet the needs of their mobile population. Debra Rader in 1998 made a model of transition education.
The common experience of international mobility – for kids they can lose their sense of security, feel disoriented when their routine is changed and all that is familiar is taken away. It is important to balance past experiences and focusing on helping them adjust to the new place. As educators and parents we must “see” and “know the child” and where they have been or their history. This affirms their sense of self and gives them a sense of security that will help them settle into the new place.
Moving back – Children often have certain expectations of “Home” and are disappointed when these expectations are not met. They think they are going to feel completely comfortable and have a sense of belonging – yet things have changed. Some kids even want time to stand still while they were gone…it does not. But most important is – many children moving to their passport country are not really moving back – but in fact it might be the first time they are going to be living there. “Home” in this case, is actually their parent’s home. Their version of “home” is were they have been growing up.
The process of transition – remember parents and children respond differently to these stages and may move through them at different rates. The attitudes of parents are often reflected in the attitudes of their children.
Problem solving skills –children who move are adjusting to a wide range of new circumstances and well-developed life skills are a tremendous asset.
Friendships and relationships – leaving and making friends is the greatest concern for both adults and children who move.
Personal and cultural identity – easily seen, words, behavior, food we eat, clothes, festivals we celebrate – these things make up our culture. Children are influenced by the cultures of baby-sitters, teachers, friends, neighbors and other people who are significant in their lives.
Two of my favorite books that every school counselor and global parent needs to read.
“New Kid in School” Using literature to help children in transition By Debra Rader and Linda Harris Sittig – view it here.
Imagine my surprise when this video was sent to me from a friend!
Then it got me thinking about all the issues friends can bring up around Halloween when you are an expat child (or any child).
“Should we dress alike?”
“Should we let ‘so and so’ go trick or treating with us?”
“Do we have to share with them?”
What should be a time of family fun and fun with friends can often end in a evening full of tears. There are of course some expected heighten emotions when you add too much sugar and a later bedtime but parents can do a few simple things to help the evening go smoothly.
1. Remember if you are celebrating this holiday abroad, the expectations might not be what the parents or the kids really want. The local candy might just be ‘awful’ so remind your child that there will be lots of local kids that would love to have the candy so focus on the ‘giving’ instead of the ‘taking’.
2. Remember that it can be a evening where fitting in is more important than the outfit. Let your child pick what they want to be or dress like and forget the parent’s wants on this when you are abroad. Nothing ruins a holiday more than an unhappy child.
3. Remember if your child decides to exclude ‘friends’ to remind them what the core values of your family are with words. “Our family values politeness.” Or “Our family values courtesy.” Or “Our family values civility.” Try not to say, “You should invite her.”
Halloween is for friends! Trick-or-treating is a customary celebration for children on Halloween. Let your kids celebrate. Love your child unconditionally, but hold him/her accountable for decisions or behavior that go against the family’s values.
Sunflower Bob – “Do I have to wear this?”
In “Emotional Resilience and the Expat Child, I wrote short stories that take place in a variety of locations. The emotions are described in these short stories. Then it covers why the location is so unique. Some of these stories were from Jackie’s experiences around the world and some were from Grant’s. In order to make it more predictable for young children to read or understand, I have made each story be about a boy called Jack.
If you are reading to a two or three-year-old, sit with them in your lap or lie down next to each other. Let them hear your voice acting out Jack’s words and his mother’s words with two different voices. Let him see the pattern in the stories.
If you are reading to a four or five-year-old, you can ask them if they know what is coming next. You can take turns being Jack and repeat his words after they are read. You can also do as suggested above.
If you are reading with an older child, ask him what he would like to do. How would he like the story to be read?
See if your child can take some of their own experiences and place them into your own emotion stories. Most children can relate to other children. Ask your child, “When did you feel like Jack?”
Joy During Halloween – Jack’s Story
Oxford English Dictionary
A vivid emotion of pleasure arising from a sense of well- being or satisfaction; the feeling or state of being highly pleased or delighted; exultation of spirit; gladness, delight.
The expression of glad feeling; outward rejoicing; mirth; jubilant festivity.
A source or object of joy; that which causes joy, or in which delight is taken; a delight.
For a young child: Your face is really, really happy. You feel wonderful. You might even want to dance. This is joy.
A neighborhood around the world where families are involved in halloween. You can experience joy while going through your trick or treat bag after a late night of running around the neighborhood. As you pile the candy into two very different piles; Candy that is well worth keeping and Candy that needs to be given away as soon as possible. As you take your fifth piece of candy and slowly unwrap it so the wrapping does not make any noise, you smile with joy. It has been a fun evening for you and your friends. You wish it could have lasted longer.
Jack’s Story – Joy
The evening ritual begins. The moon starts to shine and Jack rubs his eyes. As Jack and his mom start the short walk across the neighborhood to their home, she asks him, “What was your evening like?”
“Let me think about it,” Jack grabs her hand, looks up with a smile and continues the walk home.
“How was your evening?” she leans over and asks again as he snuggles into his bed.
“Mommy, I had a good evening at trick and treating. What should I dream about tonight?”
“Dream about what you experienced this evening,” she softly says as she leans closer and smoothes his pillow.
“Mommy, I am thinking about all the joy I felt tonight. I am going to dream about the parade we all took part in. I am going to remember the smiles on everyone’s faces as they walked around the neighborhood. I will remember their joy when they realized that they received some Halloween candy that they love. I am going to remember my joy when I saw you dressed up in your pumpkin hat. I am going to remember how much joy I had when I got to lug my huge trick or treat bag back home. Mommy, that is what I am going to dream about.”
“Do you know how much I love you?”
“You love me a lot.”
“More than you will ever know,” she says as she smiles and kisses him good night.
He just smiles and snuggles down in bed pulling the covers up towards his chin.
“Mommy, I love all the things we do on Halloween. I loved being a werewolf this year. It was fun to go all over the neighborhood shedding my hair! Good night Mom.”