Many of my friends are International school teachers and they celebrate 100 days of school. I have put two things I hold dear to my heart. Kids and Emotions. Here are my favorite 100 emotions that we can help every child know and learn! You can download an easy tool to see all 100 basic emotions here.
If you are a parent raising your child abroad, it is important that you know about emotions but you also need to know about “Transition Education”
The first researchers we had on this subject were Unseem and Langford. They said we need to provide children with the knowledge and skills to successfully manage transitions while affirming and celebrating their unique experiences and backgrounds.
Most children are affected by a transition in some way during their lives.
If they do not move, it is likely that at some point a friends, relative, or classmate will move. The children left behind will also experience adjustments. Helping a child understand the cycles of a transition and being able to label how they are feeling helps them and others in their life.
History of Transition Education
Useem said in 1976 – She found children growing up outside their home country shared unique characteristics. She was concerned that few educators were aware of this.
Mary Langford in 1998 shared the same concern and conducted research among international schools. She asked – “What is it that educators understand about global nomads and what are international schools doing to accommodate their needs?”
This was the first study in the field of transition. – Educators thought international schools have to have a role in meeting the needs of these children. It logically follows that schools everywhere have a responsibility to meet the needs of their mobile population. Debra Rader in 1998 made a model of transition education.
I travel around the world giving presentations to educators, parent organizations and school administrators explaining to them the need to support the families as they relocate around the world. Here is an example of one of my talks.
The common experience of international mobility – for kids they can lose their sense of security, feel disoriented when their routine is changed and all that is familiar is taken away. It is important to balance past experiences and focusing on helping them adjust to the new place. As educators and parents, we must “see” and “know the child” and where they have been or their history. This affirms their sense of self and gives them a sense of security that will help them settle into the new place.
Moving back – Children often have certain expectations of “Home” and are disappointed when these expectations are not met. They think they are going to feel completely comfortable and have a sense of belonging – yet things have changed. Some kids even want time to stand still while they were gone…it does not. But most important is – many children moving to their passport country are not really moving back – but in fact, it might be the first time they are going to be living there. “Home” in this case, is actually their parent’s home. Their version of “home” is where they have been growing up.
The process of transition – remember parents and children respond differently to these stages and may move through them at different rates. The attitudes of parents are often reflected in the attitudes of their children.
Problem-solving skills –children who move are adjusting to a wide range of new circumstances and well-developed life skills are a tremendous asset.
Friendships and relationships – leaving and making friends can be the greatest concern for both adults and children who move.
Personal and cultural identity – easily seen, words, behavior, food we eat, clothes, festivals we celebrate – these things make up our culture. Children are influenced by the cultures of babysitters, teachers, friends, neighbors and other people who are significant in their lives.
My favorite books that every school counselor and global parent need to read.
These would be perfect valentine day gift for your international school teacher, counselor or parent.
Don’t forget my favorite valentine day book for expats written by my son when he was 11 years old living in Lagos, Nigeria.
A friend made this for me and I am still laughing. Hope you have a wonderful celebration with those that you love.
A perfect five-year-olds holiday – I hope their parent’s vacation plans matched up to their child’s expectation. (note– child’s spelling as written by them)
- playing at the beach
- going to Maine
- swim in the pool
- going to McDonalds
- going to Singapores
- go on an airplane
- going to Bali
- going to hawwloeen
- going to holland and the snow
- going shipping to put food in the hotel rfrigeratr
- going home ot see my family
- playng in the sand
I found a random sheet of these words in a file while looking for a “tax” sheet of paper. It took me right back to my teaching job in Indonesia many years ago. I wish I had put each child’s name on their statement to help with my memory. I do recall asking them ‘What are you looking forward to doing this vacation?”
Now is the perfect time to capture your child’s memory of their recent holiday. I’d ask them three simple questions:
- If we were able to “re-do” one thing again in the vacation, what would you like to experience again?
- Since food, smells or sights help us remember the memories, what item do you remember the most about our past vacation?
- What emotion would you put on that memory?
I am always sad when I go into a classroom and see –
“My favorite…” or “The best part of my vacation was…”
I think adults often want the kids to be happy and express emotions that they find enjoyable. So putting the label as ‘best or favorite’ only allows the child to feel it is possible to be ‘good’ or have ‘happy’ thoughts. What happens if this past vacation wasn’t that way. What happens if some other emotion is how the child feels about the events?
Remember to be a whole person we need to experience the highs and lows and learn how to deal with them at a young age.
So many parents do not talk about a vacation after it is over. They just move on to the next event coming up. Young children need to reflect on their experiences and to label and file them into their memory.
So many expats take wonderful vacations but don’t take the time to make these lasting memories for their young children. It just becomes something we have done but not a “Memory” to keep. I always encourage families to revisit the holiday so they can capture some of the critical things to lock away into a memory.
Here is an example of capturing one of our vacations to the Cook Islands where we meet up with Grandparents to spend the Christmas Holidays. We were traveling from Jakarta, Indonesia and they were coming from San Francisco, CA, USA. A story as told by my four-year-old:
- If we were able to “re-do” one thing again in the vacation, what would you like to experience again? I’d like to visit Grandpa at the beach again to make those circle of flowers to wear. (circlet of flowers known as an ‘ei katu) We had fun making one for everyone to wear Christmas Day. I made your‘s the prettiest! I loved Rarotonga.
- Since food, smells or sights help us remember the memories, what item do you remember the most about our past vacation? I liked the really yellow banana chips that were hot, salty and looked neat with red ketchup on them.
- What emotion would you put on that memory? I’d put overjoyed when building flower gifts with Grandpa and tickled when eating!
To children who successfully navigate a lifetime of change, the world is a garden of exotic gifts, a house of treasure to explore and take in. Transferred from place to place, young and porous, global nomad children collect and absorb experiences. Their personalities become amalgams of those cultures they internalize and claim as their own. Perched for a while in a new environment, they experience each move as an occasion for growth, a chance to blossom in new ways.
From – Unrooted Childhoods -“ Memories of Growing Up Global
Not Wanting to be at the International School
It all started 16 months ago. Izzat walked into my international school. He did not want to be here. He had moved to a strange country. He did not speak English, and he wanted to be safe at home with his Mommy. He was five years old. This was his first school experience, and he was 5,000 miles away from what he had called home.
Izzat’s parents were eager to fit into their new location, and they wanted their son to fit into school. Izzat was scared he didn’t want to be here.
We spent the first ten days of the school year joined at the hip. Or I should say, as long as Izzat could hold my hand or my leg as we walked around the campus trying to do my counseling job. Many of the other students asked if he was my son.
I could get Izzat to go to recess because he liked to play with the balls. I could get him to go to lunch because he was hungry. As far as going to class, he had not bought into the fact that school meant ‘learning.’ He didn’t understand that school meant doing what the teacher wanted and being with a whole bunch of other kids his age.
Finally, he decided to like the smaller English as a Second Language class, and I was able to have periods of time in my office without Izzat. His parents were wonderful, but they did not know how to help him. His teachers were excellent, but they could not get him to stop coming to my office whenever he got stressed or confused. They were wonderful, but he just was not comfortable in their environment. His peers wanted to support him and help him, but he often would run away from them and seek me out.
It was a very long time to get Izzat comfortable enough to stay with his peers. whWe gradually went from mastering the comfortable zone of one activity towards another one. We were blessed that the Physical Education teacher asked Izzat to stay longer and help with the other classes where there were other five years olds. This free time allowed me actually to see some of the other kids I was serving. Slowly the need to be by my side was replaced to be near the other adults in his school day. Slowly his ability to communicate in English became stronger.
When it was time for Izzat to start school his next September at our school, he acted like a real pro. He only stopped by once in a while to chat.
But That First Week of December was a Sad Time for Me.
Izzat ran across the playground, yelling in English for his friend to stop. Izzat said, “Wait for me!”
He grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze and then it quickly it became a full body hug. It was quick but intense.
He said, “Ms. Julia, I am moving to a new school.”
I replied, “I will miss you, when will you leave?”
Izzat proudly stated, “Before Christmas.”
Then he ran away to play with his friend. As I turned to go into my office. He ran back. “I will really miss you.”
This is a child that has mastered making friends, learning a new language, being a risk taker and being bold. At our school, he had many houses of treasure to explore and take in. As he moved to his new school, I hope he took the lessons he had learned here. He had successfully navigated a lifetime of change in just 16 short months.
Christmas is always an interesting to time to reconnect with family and friends. Sometimes, when I least expect it, I get a note from parents I have worked with or from their children. Today as I was searching for a unique Christmas decoration, I ran into the note I got from Izzat when he was going to get ready for his last semester in High School. I remember his small hand tightly clutching mine, and I wonder how big and strong his hands are today.
Sometimes Christmas memories make me cry.
Moving somewhere new is never easy, and for a child it can be downright daunting. Starting a new school and having to make new friends is a big task. You can help greatly with this process by instilling a sense of confidence and self-worth into your child even before you make the big move.
Why don’t you use some of your free time this summer working on this!
Attachment parenting is one key way to make confidence-building in your children.
Babies are very resilient and it is never too late to start building up your child’s self-image. Getting to know your child and seeing things from his/her point of view will help him or her learn to trust in themselves. Having close connections help us feel like we matter.
There are psychological challenges involved in all moves. One key psychological issue in all expat or people who move around is the need to belong or have loyalty to their tribe. After we cover Maslow’s hierarchy of food, water, shelter, safety and security – after all our basic needs are met we need to belong. We need to connect. We need to belong to a family, a community, a unit, a race of people, a tribe, a great school, a good job or something. If we feel connected, we are happy and fulfilled.
There are also lots of tips to help parents understand this part of their child’s life. As an expert on Family Transitions, I have seen thousands of families move around the world. I have also been doing this global nomad style with my own two kids for a long time. Try these suggestions on ways to cope with any transition:
1. Take an honest look at yourself. What are your strengths, weaknesses, skills? How did those influence “positively or negatively” your transition? What is each child’s strengths? How can they use these strengths to make the new situation better?
2. Step up your self-care. Major changes are physically and emotionally taxing. You need self-care now more than ever. Children need more sleep and good food. Forget the junk food and the late nights, try to get into a routine as close as their old routine so they feel comfortable.
3. Focus on what you want, and less on what you don’t want. Keep your eye on the prize. This is every important because it helps form the words out of our mouths. If you keep talking about what you don’t want your children will just focus on that. (Remember your kids only hear about half of what you actually say so why are you saying negative things?) Focus on what you want.
4. Work on your thoughts. Calm your fears and reinforce your sense of hope and happiness. Be honest about your feelings and fears because children hate it when their parents lie to them. So be honest but focus on the reason you choose this type of lifestyle..
5. Create your own rite of passage. Ceremony and ritual help with all transitions. The more family rituals you have the stronger your family bonds will be and the stronger your children will be with coping skills that will help them lifelong.
We really do need to put family first in any move. I often think as parents we need to rethink things as our children get older, but we also need to revisit things. Many of the things that work and were good parent advice for your toddler works well for your child as he or she heads off to college. You want them to trust in themselves.
As with most parenting concerns, if we start with ourselves we can help our children better. Try to improve your own self-confidence. In caring for your child, you can often heal yourself. Look closely at your own life.
Notes: Some family therapists ask clients to do this activity. It is called “passing on the best, and discarding the rest”
List the specific things your parents did to build your self-image.
List the specific things your parents did to weaken your self-image.
Now resolve to emulate the good things your parents did and avoid the rest.
If you find it difficult to follow through with this exercise on your own, get help from a professional. Both you and your child will benefit.
I wish you the best – where ever this summer finds you on your path to a new adventure.
The streets of Singapore can be entertaining for an expat in Asia sooner or later you run into someone you know. The initial “you look familiar stare” turns into the “Oh, where did I meet him”, to finally recognition, “Carl?” It is hard to place someone from your past into a new situation quickly.
Then you have the quick 2-minute talk on the street about where are you living now? How is your family? What are your upcoming plans? Goodbyes and tell your family hello chat. Amazing how quickly you can get into a reconnection if you are both used to doing them.
Singapore is a hub
Singapore has been a base for us since our first international assignment as a family. It is amazing 28 years later we still do to the same dentist and doctors establishment we used back there. Often when you go to other assignments in this area, you will fly in and out of Singapore to do medical treatments. I am going to miss Singapore.
We lived in Singapore before we had children and we were a two income family. We thought is was an expensive assignment but we loved it. We had everything we needed to have fun there.
- A pile of cash
- credit cards
- a car
- a condominium
- and a club membership
Expats and Dogs make a good combination
We even brought my dog Manaia. He was a black lab. I got Manaia when I returned back to the USA after teaching on the island of Samoa.
Each village in Samoa is autonomous and led by a council of matai referred to as the ‘village fono.’ The daughter of a high chief in a village is known as a “taupou” or “sa’o’aualuma” when they perform public ceremonial roles; the male equivalent is known as the “manaia”, or “sa’o’aumaga.” I called my dog Manaia because he was a “Prince” to me.
Singapore was a fun time for us. Vacations to all areas around Asia and tons of visitors. It was the first time I learned how to shop during a three week summer holiday to get all that I would need for a whole year. Singapore is a shopping treat for many, but some things were hard to find for my size.
We did all the traditional things like “must have Singapore Slings at the Raffles Hotel.” The Singapore Sling is a South East Asian cocktail. This long drink was developed sometime before 1915 by Ngiam Tong Boon, a Hainanese bartender working at the Long Bar in Raffles Hotel, Singapore.
We had family and friends all eager to visit us since Singapore is such a step off point to go to other Asia locations.
Are your global nomads going to be hidden immigrants?
Asia has become a very important part of our family’s background. Our kids might be more drawn to these cultures than they are to the American cultures they never lived in. I believe their identity, their likes and disliked, their beliefs about who they are, are firmly built on their global experiences. When they finally went back to the USA for college they fell into the group called hidden immigrants. They looked like Americans but didn’t know much about being American.
My children were exposed to Asia food when they were very young in our own home and where we went out to eat. I believe Jackie had mastered chopsticks by the time she was three years old. Sushi is still one of her favorite meals to eat. One visit to Kansas, my mother, asked what we wanted for dinner. “Lobster and rice”, said Grant. This was our common experience when we’d hit a beach BBQ in Asia. He over heard that grandma might BBQ tonight. So when asked, he went for his ‘go to’ favorite meal. It did not happen in Northwest Kansas that night.
I grew up in that area of Kansas and did not move until I was 18 years old. My version of being a farmer meant growing wheat or sorghum and corn for grain. It meant being involved in growing hay for the cattle. Grant growing up in Asia had a different viewpoint of what it means to be a farmer.
Grant loved harvesting the fruit we had around our Asian homes. He would get bananas, rambutans, papayas and coconuts out of our yards. He would rattle off the facts about these crops. “Botanically, the coconut fruit is a drupe, not a true nut. It has three layers, the exocarp, mesocarp and the endocarp. (sound familiar). The exocarp and mesocarp make up the “husk” of the coconut. Often coconuts sold in the USA have had the exocarp (outermost layer) removed. The mesocarp is composed of the fiber or hush. Remember it is not a true nut.”
So when you say “farmer”, it does not mean the same thing in our household.
A coconut can float extremely long distances across oceans. I am sure the 2000 American film ‘Cast Away’ seems different to someone who has played a lot with coconuts on beaches than to someone who has not.
Play it forward
I hope when global nomads head out across the world they attack each assignment as one that they might revisit again and again so they make the most out of the situation. Imagine what things would be like if you assumed you might be building connections that would last over 28 years vs. thinking this is a one-off assignment. If I had know that Singapore would have been in my life off and on for this long of time, I would have added a 6th “C” on my Singapore list.
- A pile of cash
- credit cards
- a car
- a condominium
- and a club membership
- Connections and communications
Child Identity – here is a nice write up about identity that includes some information about TCKs.
The Singapore sling has been documented as early as 1930 as a recipe in the Savoy Cocktail Book; Ingredients ¼ lemon juice, ¼ Dry Gin, ½ Cherry Brandy: “Shake well and strain into medium size glass, and fill with soda water. Add 1 lump of ice”.
Wheat, Sorghum, Corn, Soybeans, Hay, Marijuana, Sunflowers, Oats, Beans, Cotton.
Fruits: drupe (or stone fruit) typical drupes include olives, peaches, plums, and cherries. Bramble fruits (such as the blackberry and the raspberry) are aggregates of drupelets.
I was recently asked if I still saw the BRIC countries as my key focus group.
I am honest enough to say “What?” and hope the conversation gets back to one I can understand. I am talking to a global relocation agent. He went on to explain that the BRIC countries (Brazil, Russia,India and China) were among the top emerging destinations for international assignments. China is often a top emerging country, but there were concerns about their slowing economy. Brazil’s vast natural resources and its strategic location cause many international assignments. India is known for its large strong workforce. Russia seems to be on a decline now due to continued difficulty in making significant inroads or long term investments.
China, Brazil and India are often seen as the countries with the most challenges for international assignees. Brazil is known for it’s overwhelmingly immigration complexities and timing as posing challenges.
China and India cultural and family adaptation and quality of life issues were more predominant.
The USA also shows up on this list of challenging locations.
- immigration regulations
- difficulty in obtaining transportation without a credit record
BRIC countries assignment failure
BRIC countries top four of the five locations for assignment failure. China seems to be the highest, then India in second place for failures of assignments. Russia and the United States tied in third and fourth place, followed by Russia in fifth place. The two top reasons for failure were:
- Inability to adapt to the culture, family and spouse/partner issues
- Quality of life concerns
I can honestly say this was a very long coffee break and for once I did very little talking until he got to the ‘failure’ of the families.
Successes of Families
I was able to counter balance his failures with story after story of successful family transitions. I shared with him about a friend I knew that went from England to Nigeria, Malaysia, Singapore, and Australia,. Also, Papua New Guinea, Netherlands, Trinidad, Tobago, Thailand, USA, Equatorial Guinea were on her “home” list. These locations not in a straight line but much like when I am going around the fruit market looking at all the options in a Bangkok wet market. She often ended back in ‘repeat locations’.
I shared with him the family that had started out as a newly married couple leaving the USA. They went to UK, Australia, and China where they added three children. Then they went back to the USA. They found themselves in Nigeria with two children going to high school there and one off in boarding school in London. Then off to Viet Nam they went and the kids headed off to university. A short hop to Indonesia and then they found themselves with an elder parent that moved into their family as they relocated to Bangkok. They went from 2 people, to three in their family, to four, to five, to four, to two, to three. A very fluid rotation of family members.
I shared with him a family that had one child and adopted a child abroad. Then the family split but they remained in the same location abroad so the children had two households. Both parents remarried so now the kids had four parents. This family went for two to three to four to six people!
What causes a family to flourish abroad
If you are raising a global nomad the need for communication is even more important for success. Global families need to have both instrumental and affective communication. Instrumental communication is the exchange of factual information. “I will pick you up at 2:00 in front of the library.” Affective communication deals with how you share your emotions.
Often global families travel around in a small cocoon there they rely heavily on each other. If these global families have indirect or vague communication this contributes to a lack of intimacy and emotional bonding between the family members. This leads to the feeling of isolation while abroad.
As we finished up our cup of coffee, I realized that families abroad will only be as successful as the people in the family want to be successful. A family can fail when they don’t move around or they can flourish in move after move.
Here is a short video of some of the things I have been able to do while trailing around the world.
Working with a global population, I always try to give multi cultural stories as well as stories that deal with the issues that happen when a death occurs in a family.
Here are my top four books today:
“Fly High – the story of Bessie Colemen” (Borden 2001) determined to ‘be someone’ received her international pilot license in 1921 – a story about her and her death
“My Man Blue” (grimes 2002) death of a father and how a child learns to accept a new friends of his mother.
“Mama does the Mambo” (Leiner 2001) Death of a dad but Mom and daughter still have a passion for music and dance.
“Papa’s Latkes” (Edwards 2004) death of a mom then dad and girls build new traditions.
When I think about all the little global nomads we have running around the world – I think that Sagan’s words resonate more than ever, and will continue with each generation until the human species “wakes up”.
It’s March and my child’s best friend just moved!
This was the panic call I received yesterday. It is a very valid concern for many parents, even more so in International Schools where the population is so transit.
As an international counsellor, I have had many of our parents insist that their child be with their best friend in the next school year. Due to the movement in International Schools this means at some point in the near future, this child will seem friendless and so sad when their ‘best friend moves on.
Each and every child needs to feel connected and involved with other children. This is often through a common interest, gymnastics, after school activities, sleep overs and etc. This does not mean that during the school day that they need to be only connected to their best friend.