What do I need to succeed?
Parents need to focus on three key things for early success with their child’s preschool experience.
My Carpool tunnel syndrome has turned into Carpal tunnel syndrome. A tight grip of the steering wheel makes the short trip seem like a major phenomenon. As the sweat runs down the back of my knees I peer in the rear view mirror and wonder what I got myself into in this hot Oklahoma summer. I am in a competition with myself. Can I do it – You can’t do. I know I can drive and yet I feel sick.
I am not used to driving in the USA and here I am volunteering to take my sister’s most special ‘cargo’ , her children, to a ballgame. I think I am doing it to help out the parents, but I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. The kids were perfect. I was more like a royal mess.
I am not the best driver in the world since I have lived outside of the USA for twenty-five years. Yet, I have never had an accident while driving. I also have sat and survived 6 international driving tests.
In one country, the local facilitator stood over my shoulder and pointed to which box I was to mark with the (X) for each question. I passed the written test in a foreign language!
I took a vision exam and then an Eye/ Foot reflects time exam in one foreign country. The first machine didn’t have a light behind the green light so it was impossible to know when the sign was ‘Green’ to go but I was able to slam on each and every Red light that I saw. I passed! When we got to the reflect times machine I was so involved with the guy sitting next to me doing his exam that I forgot to do my own exam and had to start over again. The man sitting next to me had his left leg crossed over his right leg. He was using his left leg to push the brake pedal. It was a strange way to drive because the steering wheel kept hitting his knees and he’d say “Ouchâ€. I thought ‘uncross your legs’. Oh and I did I tell you he had on high heels. Bright. Blue. 4-inch heels. No wonder my mind was not on my own test.
I showed up 8 ½ months pregnant for one exam. They gave me a written test with the Label of (B) on it. My husband got the (A) test. We assumed it was for the random need to make sure people didn’t fake taking the test. As we started to do the written exam, the DMV staff person took my test away and gave me a form (D) to take. We both passed. On the way home my husband talked about how hard it was to convert the miles to meters and the blood alcohol amounts into liters and etc. I talked about how I had an octagon sign and what that meant and if a driver should look “both ways†prior to moving out into an intersection. The only thing I can think of is that this DMV really didn’t want a pregnant lady upset if she flunked the test. Once again I passed!
I sent my child off with our driver to get his motorcycle license. We had forgotten that he would also need a medical clearance prior to getting his permit. When he came home successful with a new motorcycle permit he explained how you get a medical clearance form in our new location. When you get declined by the DMV for not having all the documents, your driver jumps on the back of a motorcycle and goes to a medical facility. They do the medical check by asking your driver two questions. “Is this person here with you?†and “Is he sick?†I guess our driver responded with a “yes†and a “noâ€. The driver gets the medical clearance on your son by a doctor who has not even stared into his bright blue eyes that are so eager to drive in the crowded streets of this major city. The driver then heads back to the DMV. The license is issued.
Education
Education must be at the top of this ‘caring’. Educators need to say “I teach kids English, not I teach English†– We all need to think about the words we choose. If we need to we should change the way we talk. Remember, we teach children not subjects.
Governments
Governments must be at the top of this ‘caring’. As an expat, I often run into things that countries are doing to show that they care. Today there were two great examples of governments caring:
In the USA, President Obama talked about the gun laws and stated he would make some changes and then challenged Congress to actually do something about the things he shouldn’t change on his own.
In Singapore, the government will pay for paternity leave to send a signal that dads should play a greater role in their children’s lives. Married fathers will get a guaranteed week off work to spend with their newborns – paid for by the Government. Even self-employed Dads will get the government benefit.
Families
Families must be at the top of this ‘caring’. Another way to help children understand and deal with their emotions is to let them see how adults cope with theirs. When adults feel sad, ashamed, guilty, or happy, they can talk about how they feel. This lets the child know that it’s okay to have these feelings too.
Jim Higley is considered a forward-thinking, action- oriented and inspiring leader in both the cancer and parenting communities worldwide. I felt his coverage of Lance Armstrong was the best out there to read. Jim got it right.
Listen to Jim’s interview of Julia Simens, author of “Emotional Resilience and the Expat child†here.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/robbie73/4289385819/
Many people have been asking what I have been doing since I am not working full time. Here is one example of things that keep me busy! I was lucky enough to meet in person many of the people in this book as we brainstormed in Hollywood, USA. One of my favorite times was early in the morning in the Hills when only the trash movers and early raisers were up – this was when some of the best conversations took place.
This is on amazon or at https://www.createspace.com/4067201
Please let me know if you just want my chapter and I will send you that as a PDF. I gave many books away to peers and they have reported that they have enjoyed the chapters since they are from a wide range of people with different views. Also each chapter can be read in isolation so that is helpful in our busy lifestyles.
Most people don’t notice any of the changes in this short video. It is a phenomenon known as ‘ change blindness’.
I love the work done with perception tests because I feel it ties into our families so well. The whole concept relies on the illusion of memory. What is your families illusions?
Every holiday families do so many wonderful things and yet they want their children to ‘remember’ and to ‘bond’ over these memories. But often they are an illusion. Mom sees the time with Grandma as priceless while the kids see it as painful. Dad feels the long road trip to a historical site will be memorable, the kids remember stopping at fast food. Kids feel the holidays were spent in isolation, parents feel they connected great with the extended family.
One of the best ways to cut through the illusions of the holidays is to take advantage of the tools that can build emotional resilience in your child.
First, take a normal family photo that you have of something that you did this holiday season. It might be the wonderful Thanksgiving group photo or it might be the Christmas Eve photo around the tree.
Then look at a variety of possible emotions that you can easily find at the Basic Emotion List or check out this list of feeling words.
Let each person in the picture pick the emotion word that best describes what they were feeling at that point in time.
(Remember – each person’s feelings are valid – so “no” directing your child to feel a certain way)
Write. Type. Orally record what was said about that family emotion event. Then your family will not be having illusions on how they spent this moment in time. These memories can be priceless. People change. Or we loose them due to accidents or illness, these times that you cemented into a ‘memory’ can be kept forever.
As we all know if we have connected a feeling or an emotion to an event, we will remember it and it will remain as a special time in our families life. Please let me see your families special emotion moment from this holiday season. Send the digital photo and the emotions you captured to julia.simens@gmail.com
Check out the photos on simensproject.com
Here is the one to show support for all the children in Connecticut.
Children around the world need someone or something that makes them feel safe, loved and connected? I hope the survivors in Connecticut have this type of comfort in their lives. Please “like” if you have a child or a grandchild that has this type of unconditional love.
Happy Holidays -
Notes: Christmas video by Fiveer.com
This is often something we just take for granted but have you really -really thought about the words you use daily?
Let me give you a few simple examples. As a parent if you simply rephrase some common expressions you can help your child 100% of the time to feel better about him/herself.
Say, “I need your help to feed the cat.”
Instead of saying, “Feed the cat.”
You’re letting your child know that he or she is needed and valued.
As teachers, you can simply rephrase some common expressions and help your whole class feel better about themselves.
Say, “I need your help to clean up the room so we can get to music class on time.”
Instead of singing, “Clean up, clean up, everybody clean up”.
You’re letting the class know that they are needed and valued.
As a partner, you can simply rephrase some common expressions and help your mate feel special and loved.
Say, “I need your help to organize our bills that we need to pay.”
Instead of saying, “You need to pay the electricity bill.”
You’re letting him/her know that you are a team and he/she is needed and valued.
When you are stuck in a long immigration line -
Say, “I need your help to make sure we don’t have any issue getting into our new home.”
Instead of saying, “Be quiet.”
You’re letting your child know that he or she is needed and valued.
When you are looking at the new school and your child has to take the entrance exam -
Say, “I need your help to get into the best school for our family in this location.”
Instead of saying, “Straighten up – be good!”
You’re letting your child know that he or she is needed and valued.
When the new maid ruins his/her favorite shirt
Say, “I need your help to be respectful and help her understand our wishes and wants.”
Instead of saying, “Grow up, it is just a shirt.”
You’re letting your child know that he or she is needed and valued.
When you are stuck with a long line of paperwork ahead of you just to get your pet off the airplane -
Say, “I need your help to get our dog home as quick as possible.”
Instead of saying, “Stop it, Be good.”
You’re letting your child know that he or she is needed and valued.
As a parent, how are you doing in the day-to-day interactions with your children? Please let us know an interaction that you have had that has helped your child feel loved and connected.
Notes:
Photo: https://www.yourrightmovellc.com/index.php?entry=entry120106-224354
Making friends is not easy for some kids that move around the world. Let’s look at things from their point of view… Barely a week after flying halfway around the world, from home to this “new” location, the child knows just three people in his new country – his mom, his dad and his sister – and then throw in the fact he only speaks a little of the local language. Survival is a sign of resiliency.
This summer I was aware of some facts about resiliency in the expats in Canada. Kate Hammer, educational reporter stated, “Nearly five million elementary and secondary students who start school this year, one of 500,000 who are foreign-born, and one of thousands who will be in a Canadian classroom for the first time outperform their native-born peers.” I feel this is because expat children learn to be resilient. Despite the challenges they face – cultural, linguistic and emotionally- they survive.
Canada is lucky to have such talented children. Stats from the United States and the United Kingdom do not show that immigrants into these countries outscore their native peers. According to Statistics Canada, about 10% of Canadian students were born elsewhere. In major areas like Toronto, that proportion grows to as high as 25 per cent (including university).
If your child is having trouble in their new location try this tip:
“Remember how much you loved the basketball games and you always had friends who also love them.” ”Last year, you loved science maybe you will find someone here that loves science.” Often parents say these words “Don’t worry – you will make friends.” This does not help the child because it is not based in fact of what he knows. In order to instill confidence in a child they need to be able to remember their past success and how they managed to thrive. Telling a child to “not worry” or to “give it time” – is not helpful. Give them concrete examples of their past success.
Many expat children learn to be resilient. What challenges did your child face – cultural, linguistic and emotionally- as they moved around the world?
It has been a year full of interesting twist and turns. I thought I would spend this time recounting some of the highlights of my ‘work year’. As I quit the life I knew for so many years, international teaching and international school counselor, I wondered if I would be able to keep busy enough.
I have been busy. Here is a snap shot of some of the articles, publications and comments that I have been involved with this year. (not speaking engagements)
What I find interesting is that living an expat lifestyle allows you the ability to be an expert in many fields. Traveling and meeting new cultures allows us to have an open mind and the ability to see things from many sides, this is why our ideals and input are in demand. As you travel around the world please give to your family, your community and your extended family in the host country and in your home country.
Notes: Thank you for all the recent HBD notes
We all have our favorite games from childhood, which we enjoyed for hours with friends and family. Those games offered unique combinations of strategy, entertainment and originality. And, as a result, many have remained around for decades.
Monopoly is an American board game published by Parker Brothers. Hasbro even conducts a worldwide Monopoly tournament. The first Monopoly World Championships took place in Grossinger’s Resort in New York, in November 1973. It has been aired in the United States by ESPN.
The Wright Family ( my maiden name) each summer conducted a worldwide Monopoly tournament. We all got together in the upstairs bedroom and started to play a long marathon of Monopoly playing. I was often the youngest member playing the the game. I often lost! My bothers, sisters and cousins were much better with banking and investments than I was.
Being an expat, I am pleased to see Monopoly is a world-wide game. The current world champions have come from the following countries: United States, Ireland, Singapore, Italy, New Zealand, United Kingdom, Netherland, Hong Kong, Japan, Spain and Norway. This means children must play Monopoly around the world
The memories I have about Monopoly in Russell Springs Kansas on a hot summer night are special. We did not always do as the game rules suggested.
For example:
Setup time 5–10 minutes
This would take my older brothers and sisters the average time but for me the youngest. I swear they were always telling me to hurry up!
Playing time 60–240 minutes (1–4 hours) [average] But…But…we had games that went late into the night and everyone took their money to bed with them and we resumed play the following morning. I guess we trusted our hotels and playing pieces to remain where they needed to be but cash, well cash is cash!
Skill(s) required Negotiation, Resource management – Huh? I thought it was the skill of sticking to a task and not giving up. Perseverance!
Yet toy makers just can’t seem to help themselves when it comes to updating the classics. They insist on adding electronic features that take away all the joy (and education) from playing the game.
Is a Magic 8 Ball more fun if the answers are shouted out by a TV character? What about a dice game that doesn’t have dice? My list of good toys being turned into non-thinking actions can go on and on. Stop the madness – buy the classic games and toys and let your child learn. The most important thing to remember is that kids need to play board games to learn to take turns, negotiation skills and being honest. Are your kids experts in these areas?
Notes: Yes, I was considered Ms. Wright for almost 30 years~
I work a lot with parents and sometimes they show up in my office very upset.
It is the weekend BEFORE school starts again and their child has shown up with a tattoo.
We go through a long list of behaviors that the parents have had towards their child and ‘choices’. It is a very interesting but hard time for the parents. Seems they have never given their child any time to make choices and learn to live with the choices he has made. It has made me sad for both the child and the parent.
Simple things – like backpacks…can be a family empowering moment. Now that school starts this week, I hope parents around the world are giving their child some room to make choices.
Here is an example of giving your child the ability to make a choice and then live with it without any support from Mom or Dad.
Fictional story – We are going to go backpack school shopping to get ready for school which starts Monday. I see the perfect bag for my daughter.
My daughter has a different dream. We can sit and argue or I can let her make the choice and live with the decision. Hum, what is a parent to do?
One parent might discuss the merit of getting this bag…
I can hear the parent now. “Look how cute this one will be. Other kids will think your are cool. See how the heart is almost hidden but it makes you look like a doctor or someone interested in the human body.” Remember the more you talk as a parent the more you are trying to justify why your child should make ‘your choice’ into ‘their own’ choice.
I can also hear the parent who wants to live through their child with their own wishes. “Remember how we always celebrate Kansas Day? Look at this bag, it is like the lion in the Wizard of Oz. It would be perfect!”
This backpack shopping can become a battle between the child and the parent. Why?
If you child is a little princess always pretty in pink but she wants the Boogey Man Bag. Let her make her choice and then live with it. She will either love all the attention she gets with a bag so different from her other princess peers or she will fold and want a new bag. It is nice lesson to learn early on in life that our choices are something we have to live with. I would rather have a child make a backpack choice and thrive and grow instead of a more permanent choice of a tattoo, wouldn’t you?
In order to have a few seconds of oops and ugg – check out the ugliest tattoos and the gallery of regrets. Or check out the Mojo Backpacks - No Ordinary Bookbag.
Notes: This is not a paid ad. I just want parents to allow their child to grow.